SMH, wat we doin 2 r English?

Karl Sadkowski/Opinion Editor

Though I cannot speak for others, I must note with regret the absolute shabbiness your English has descended into in recent years. It appears that with the coronation of the screen in society, you have mutated into some unintelligible beast with bloodshot eyes and disheveled hair, hovering over a keyboard while contemplating which grammatically incorrect and shallow statement will make a satisfying status update.

I adamantly hold the opinion that bloodshot eyes and disheveled hair will not improve your chances for survival, and that status updates are superfluous.

How could you, a conscientious individual, ever allow your level of communication to fall so deeply into the subterranean? I must recoil in disgust at your speech at times. I am taken aback by your arrant mistakes and intentional slang when you speak with your superiors, equals and inferiors alike. I without doubt put blame on the screen for these misfortunes, as it has trained you to express yourself without expression, instead replacing what may be beautiful or elegant with “cool” or “hot.” I thus must sadly conclude that your conscience is shrinking, as you submit to the screen and adopt its colorless jargon.

Before screens, would a person have needed to struggle to decipher your emoticon- and abbreviation-laden statements? Before screens, could you have had the power to publish poisonous material to mislead readers? Before screens, were five-second sound bytes relentlessly pounding your ears and forcing your mind into a constant state of neuroticism? Certainly not. It is why, then, I have ceased to respect you. My passive resistance to your incessant habits will involve nothing less than paralysis, embarrassing you as you lose any ability to vocalize yourself with your primitive contemporaries. I will refuse to work as a secretary in your head any longer.

Expression is rotting. Conscience is naught. Language is giving way to a voracious appetite for broken statements, returning ever closer to the original human speech of grunts and growls. Abandon the illusory benefits the screen advertises and purge yourself of the rubbish it feeds.

Yours truly,
Your misused tongue

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