One Direction? Think Wrong Direction


British artists One Direction arrive for the Logies, an Australian television industry awards night, in Melbourne, Australia, Sunday, April 15, 2012. (AP Photo/Paul Jeffers)

I’ll bet you the odds are 12 out of 10 that if you turned on your radio, right this second, it’d be a song by One Direction, blathering on about something or other that makes you beautiful. Or maybe it’s that other song about that one thing . . . what’s it called? Oh yeah, One Thing. So creative. Either way, it appears One Direction has got some thing that’s made nearly every teenage girl ready to throw their panties at them.

Except me.

If by some weird twist of fate they received fan (or should I say anti-fan) mail from me, it would probably read something of a song-title-mockery like this:
Dear One Direction,
I Want you to know that I am deeply annoyed by Everything About You. I Wish you would stop making the Same Mistakes as every boy band on the planet: you can do so much More Than This. Though you feel Forever Young now, your Moments of Glory will soon be Lost in Life, Taken over by some new trend. You may think that, like every other girl, you’ve Stole My Heart, but you’re Dreaming. Soon you’ll be Falling To Pieces, Only Just a Memory of 2012.

P.S. One Last Thing: I must express admiration for One Thing about you, however: your hair. It truly is What Makes You Beautiful. How the heck do you make it Stand Up like that?
Ah, the possibilities.

But let me back up a little bit: if you don’t know who or what One Direction is or you haven’t guessed it by now, crawl out of the Alternative Music Hole you’ve burrowed yourself into, go to iTunes and hit up that mainstream music like it’s your job. And then proceed to cry when you hear that God-awful chorus of a mediocre quintet squeezing every ounce of fame they can from the potent phenomena that is, as we call it, The Boy Band.

Let’s just take a moment to examine past groups who have played the Boy Band card. The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, The Jonas Brothers: they were able to milk fame for all its worth simply by playing up this act, and One Direction is no different. I even heard one reporter on the Today Show liken them to The Beatles — a disgusting comparison, I must say. Today Show, I have news for you: The Beatles may have had British accents and flippy hair, but having British accents and flippy hair does not make a group The Beatles. It just doesn’t work that way.

Speaking of hair, I think that’s what really bothers me about them. Don’t get me wrong — it’s nice hair. Very clean looking. But I mean, if you even look at all of them for even less than a second, you just can’t miss their hair. It’s messy. It’s sleek. It’s straightened. It’s curled. It’s gelled into utterly exact imperfection.

And I bet even Justin Bieber feels a little jealous of it. He probably can’t sleep at night because of all the fans he’s losing to not one, but five sets of luscious locks resting atop the heads of the One Direction boys. He’s probably plotting to hire a hit man armed with scissors to chop it off in their sleep one night. Possibly even sell it on eBay.

But really. It just sits there on top of their heads in Donald Trump-esque glory, screaming, “Look at me! I’m the reason half the teen population wants to have One Direction babies!” Every girl thinks they’re the cutest, most attractive men on the face of the planet, but I’ve uncovered it for the fraud and sham it really is: just a facade of hair gel.

And British accents. Every girl loves a good accent.

Other than that though, the hair’s really all they have going for them. Yet somehow, that’s all they need. Today’s generation of music fans has become so easy to please that all a group needs is an attractive image, hair, an accent and half a drop of talent to become a rising star in the music industry. These so-called “artists” can release songs that are complete carbon copies of each other (for reference, please see my letter), put out such disgustingly adorable music videos that you’ll want to go vomit puppies after watching them, whip their hair back and forth with swag almost on par with that of Willow Smith … And girls eat it up because, “OMG I’m a Directioner, obviii!”

Sorry, girls. I hate to go all hipster on you and rain on your parade (wait — who am I kidding, I’m savoring every second of this), but you’re just caught up in a fad. An obnoxious, teeny bopper fad of a band that will someday plummet through the charts, landing somewhere between New Kids on the Block and Boyz II Men.

Who are they again?

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