Sen. Bob says ‘Ney’ to French fries

By Cyrus Moussavi 2005

America’s famous obsession with fast food has taken a turn for the truly bizarre. For years, hamburgers and fries have caused the scandalous downfalls of many of our favorite celebrities. Whatever happened to Joey Fatone? I’d say one too many Bacon Whoppers. But now our favorite massive heart-attack inducing foods have taken the next step onto the political state.

As many of you might remember, our government had a tough time gaining international support for our war on Iraq last year. One country who was particularly against our totally successful preemptive strike on Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction was France. In response to the French’s lack of supports, our always resourceful lawmakers dropped a “dirty bomb” of their own by changing the term “french fries” to “freedom fries” on the menus of the Capitol’s cafeteria. As a result, nobody cared.

Now we need help from the international community in rebuilding Iraq. In an effort to bring France back on our side, our gracious politicians have decided to honor France by adding the “French” back onto fries, where it belongs. But as we all know, the world of politics is a turbulent one and nothing is as simple as it seems.

This case is no different: the genius behind the original name change, Representative Bob Ney, a Republican from Ohio, plans to fight back and keep the French out of fries.

The fact that the French couldn’t care less either way what we call our fat marinated potatoes hardly seems to matter to Ney and his supporters. And for those of you who think there must be some master plan behind this madness, you’re sadly mistaken. “They (the French) were noncooperative and arrogant then, and they are again noncooperative and arrogant,” Ney said when explaining his compleex reasoning. This is coming from a man who is called an entire nation of people noncooperative and arrogant and is taking up Congress’ (questionably) valuable time with potato speak. Talk about arrogant; this poor man obviously missed the Sesame Street episode on irony.

It seems as if the members of the House have forgotten that they are running a country, not a McDonald’s. Guys, maybe in between rounds of Yahtzee Jr. you can focus on the looming budget crisis in which America faces the biggest deficit ever.

Oh yeah, and the last time I checked we were fighting a war; that might be something to look into. And the fact that the No Child Left Behind Act will leave behind many failing public school is hardly as important as harassing the French.

But it might be unfair to accuse the House of not working hard; it must take a lot of time to think of a cause that people could care less about. Keep up the good work.

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