Internet consumes our modern life

By Margaret Poe 2004

OK, I admit it: I am an Internetaholic, and I’m ready to tell the world. The world needs to know; I feel it is my duty to inform about this pressing issue. So, make sure to scroll (oops, read) through the whole website (I mean article) before double-clicking (oh, you know what I’m trying to say) your way onto the next page.

Clearly, this is a completely modern disease, the affliction of the future, if you will. But first let’s travel back in time for a little history. In the olden days of the early 1990s, people had to rely strictly on primitive devices such as card catalogs made of paper, contraptions called phone books, even space-wasting books full of words and their definitions. Then, along came a genius who created a medium which revolutionized my life and probably a few others’ too.

Think back to how slow and inefficient everything was before my dearly beloved Internet came to be. The amount of calories wasted by doing things the manual way was ridiculous. All that walking around even made people lose weight, which is clearly frowned upon in the technological society of today. With the Internet, you can look up some killer ab moves, print them off and order a cute yoga outfit ALL WITHOUT LEAVING YOUR CHAIR. Now if that’s not an efficient way to work out, I don’t know what is.

There are also a few myths which the Internet has dispelled. What year was the Declaration of Independence signed? You are probably thinking 1776, but you’re wrong. Anyone who used their resources well could inform you that it was actually, 1786. The history teachers had their facts wrong all those years, and nobody figured it out. That is, until now, when Bill posted it on his Hystorickal Facts Syte.

These days, the need to hold vast quantities of information has led to yet another intriguing phenomenon: the language of the Internet. A quick stop into any chat room or e-mail will give the unsuspecting onlooker quite a shock. The language of the Internet is a complex and interesting one, different from any other. While it has its origins in the communication form favored by teenage girls, now all Internet users, young or old, use the abbreviations and symbols of the code. So much progress has been made that it is just about acceptable for a man use such phrases as “TTFN” or “LOL.” Well, almost; just give it a little more time.

If the Internet could only feed me, I could live at the computer. For example, if I want to chat with my friend on the other side of the world, I simply sign onto Instant Messenger and type away. Well, first I have to open up an online Russian-English translator. And while we’re talking (with near-perfect translation), I can be simultaneously looking up a recipe for borscht to share with her. And while I’m donig that, I can be filming my brother’s new dance moves, plugging the video camera into my computer, transferring the files to Quicktime and sending them HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD in a split second. All this can be done with an adept maneuver of the mouse, and it’s all in order to keep in touch.

Today’s world is an amazing place, and the Internet is responsible for at least 99.9 gigabytes of that coolness. I, for one, can’t imagine it being any other way. Right now, you need to run, not walk, to the nearest computer and start seeing what life is all about.